When a woman is faced with an unexpected pregnancy, she begins an uphill journey unlike any other. She has many critical questions: Am I capable of providing for a baby? Can I give my child the kind of life he deserves; the level of attention he requires; the kinds of opportunities I truly want for him? If I choose to give him away to a couple with more resources, more experience, and more time will he grow up feeling loved? Or feeling abandoned? Am I strong enough to do it? Will I ever overcome the loss?
The birth mother will then begin a search for the answers. She will seek the advice of family and friends; people she knows who have children of their own; single mothers who have balanced careers with child care; families who have adopted children; children who have been adopted; and girls and women who have made that difficult choice to give up their babies. She will go over various scenarios in her head, what may happen if she keeps her child, what may happen if she doesn’t.
The time soon comes when the birth mother finally concludes that her child will have more opportunities if he is united with new parents. She contacts an adoption agency that she researched carefully to make sure they are fully licensed and offer the type of adoption she desires. She wants the agency to ensure that prospective parents meet specific requirements, and that they will provide her with the counseling she will need to carry her through the adoptive experience. She knows that she can choose not to give up her baby after all, even after she has signed consent papers. She is confident that she will have all the support she needs, regardless of whether or not she changes her mind.
The agency provides her with letters or albums that couples have created to describe who they are. The agency has already pre-screened them about their marital relationship, living arrangements, finances, parenting philosophies, and their reasons for wanting to adopt a child. The agency has carefully selected a handful that they feel would be a good match; now, it is up to the mother. Perhaps she wants a couple that already has at least one child, or that has many pets, or is interested in art and music. She reviews their pictures and reads their stories. She will know when she finds the right couple.
Once she has chosen, the mother may meet the couple who will soon become her baby’s new parents. She may visit them at their home, to see how they live. She invites them to attend the birth, if they desire. They offer to help pay for the medical costs that will accrue. She begins to trust them and feel confident that her child is truly going to a good home where he will be cared for and cherished.
As the due date approaches, the birth mother sits quietly by herself and composes a letter to her unborn child. The adoptive parents have encouraged her to write this letter so that her child will know he was not abandoned, but was given a chance to have the kind of life she could not provide. She tells her baby that she loves him, and that she hand-picked his new parents. She tells him about herself, her talents, her likes and dislikes, and her dreams. She tells him that his new family is her gift to him.
The due date arrives. The baby is born. The birth mother looks deep into her child’s eyes. Love is not possession, she thinks. Love is wanting what is best for someone else, and giving him everything he deserves. With tears in her eyes, she kisses his soft forehead.
Days, weeks, months go by. If the mother chose an open adoption, she is receiving little updates from the adoptive parents. She has joined a support group of other birth mothers so that she can talk about her experience and work through some of the grief. She knows in her heart she made the right choice. She knows that she has given her child not only the gift of life, but the gift of hope for the future. Someday, when she is ready, she will have children that she keeps. Until then, she is still a mother, and always will be.
By Alisa Elizabeth King Terry